The Monster Diaries

Over and over and over and over!

2010-05-11T09:53:00.000-07:00

They say insanity is doing the same thing all over again but expecting different results. Which, looking back on stuff, is definitely you. Yet your insanity, as it may be seen by other eyes, in truth your real non-human personality is a bit more complex. You roughly do everything the same, but getting a different result isn't what drives you, just the opposite.

You go about things differently each time, as context changes, but, in the end, you're looking the get the same result: feeding your hunger. Hunger for something yet to be defined. It's not souls you eat, nor blood, nor their love, nor their pain. Ok, maybe the pain does it's tricks. Witnessing someone rip apart their own soul also does the trick. Obviously that will stop being as savory with time.

So whatever drives is not insanity, but addiction, basic addiction. As others feed on meat to stay strong you feed on souls, on pain, on shards of broken will. You look for the same result each time, and feeding isn't actually your goal. Stopping to eat is your goal. In lack of someone adequately fulfilling you end up on your knees battling for scraps of souls long gone, just giving them a final push over the edge. The edge of darkness, of human monsters not even able to be high on their own torment. 'Cause, in the end, that's your only insanity.

Again!

Keep burning!

2010-05-10T06:36:00.000-07:00

There's only one person in the world with real power over you. The one from so long ago. Your first creation. The one who loves you and hates your guts all in the same time. The one who can't live without you but also can't live with you, because she knows, well, how that turns out.

When it comes to her it's always been a big blur. Always something between knowing nobody else will ever love you like her and wanting nothing else than to feel the same. It seems possible each time yet each time something goes wrong. Either it's not meant to be either it's really not meant to be.

Both ways you always end up lost, scared like shit of your own gruesome self and for, how gutless of you, salvation. And if the woman that loves you the most doesn't do it for you who the hell will? Hell? In that case, keep burning.

Life is elsewhere!

2010-04-16T00:28:00.000-07:00

The toughest thing about being a monster like yourself is that wrecking feeling of out-of-place. May it come from your birth or your inability to really be human, no place, no crowd ever feels totally safe, well, unless you've ingested impressive amounts of "changing" substances.

Your life always feels like being somewhere else, not that your current location isn't enough of a hunting ground, or that it can't provide common day luxury and gratification. But there's always this itch, thic itch that tells you to leave, to change to hunt somewhere else, and that maybe, just maybe, that somewhere else will bring you the twisted happiness you search for.

As big as you are on change when it comes to humans, that small you are when it comes to actually bringing yourself to the point where you'll have the guts to pick up and leave. All those mechanisms you built, all those connections you made, that is what keeps you running, and without all that you will wither and die.

No! You won't. You already have enough experience to survive anywhere. And just think about all those new souls who will never know what hit them. Building everything from the start will also be fun, now that you do have a knowledge of a wide range of fuck-ups you should not repeat. And more importantly, now you know more about who you are, building a new identity shouldn't even be that hard.

Move!

Enjoy the pain!

2010-03-10T03:50:00.000-08:00

While theory says that faith comes through clarity, patience and silence, real life throws a lot at you at every time. Most of it painful. Your demonic nature does not protect you from it because of your human nature. Mixing them in a careful balance is the key. Enjoying everything that comes is the key.

Enjoy the pain for it brings you knowledge of the pain you cause. Destroy yourself daily so you can feel what you do to others. Bring down your self-esteem, burn your ambition, forget about willpower. Every day you need to expose yourself to the same hurts you can bring on. Only then you will learn to be who you are.

A monster, a freak, a cambion, someone that, if revealed, would bring forth terrible punishment from society. Luckily, none dare to admit they suffered your touch, it ashamed them. And that is the difference between you and the minions all around. You know pain, you know unhappiness, you know despair, but not shame. For you know what others don't. No matter how fucked up it gets, that is you, and you need to embrace that or you'll go off in a senseless killing spree and end up a fucking article in the tabloids.

Pain is the key.

Enjoy!

No more noise!

2010-03-02T04:15:00.000-08:00

Faith does not come easy. At least when it's about your own powers. If it were faith in a greater being of some sort, nothing short of a lobotomy would have helped considerably. But you can't do that to your self, or to your true self for that matter. Needless to say that having faith in your individuality will bring you peace, at least with yourself.

Peace and quiet. The only two things you really want. Accomplished in many possible ways, peace comes when you yourself stop being noisy. And of course, when you finally find the means to focus your attention well enough to make the chatter, and the screaming and the pleading and everything else fade away. It's done by patience, discipline, and foremost, by clarity.

No matter what you do to your body, keep your mind clear, focused, like a beam. Strong in intensity yet invisible to all but those who it's meant for. You'll find that concentration breaks every time you use it in the wrong direction. Being what you are, a cambion, an instrument of change and evolution, your powers should not be wasted anymore. Refine your quest, weigh your options, shatter everything that's pointless, destroy everything that's endangering. You are your own passing and your own end. You are your only means of being you.

Focus!

Unreliable truth!

2010-02-12T06:17:00.000-08:00

This constant search for yourself has left you, obviously, wondering painfully all the time about who you are, and how your actions describe you. This burden it feels like you can't get out. Not that you'd know where out is, or what it could bring for you, nor do you know what it is you're running from or even if it is a good idea to run.

You feel tied down, too tired, lacking energy to actually do something, whatever that something is. Blocked. But by what? By whom? Is this solitude you've brought upon yourself the path to you becoming a better monster, or is it the shortest way to becoming just another insane person out there.

Accepting yourself doesn't seem to work, does it? Because you're not really believing it. It's still somewhere between fiction, truth and satisfying certain urges you've felt all your life, even before your true nature has been revealed. As long as you believe in you, torments will stop. But can you accept the evil? Can you embrace the despair? Can you really be the monster you were meant to be?

Believe!

Family!

2010-02-10T06:33:00.000-08:00

You have no family. You've been all alone since the day you realized who you are, what you are. They have been around in your early life, but it's almost sure that they only made it more clear how different you are from most of the rest of the world. They had no real meaning to your real self, further then a sense of continuous competition between normality and abnormality.

In your case the genetics you own give you a better chance of being the proper parent for your children. Only another monster would be eligible for nurturing such an offspring, an offspring that would certainly share some of your inhuman traits. Not burden by beginning its life in solitude and confusion your children will be even greater than you are, capable of reaching levels of mastery incomprehensible to you.

Ultimately, that is your mission. To be the source of an even greater evil, a purer evil. As pure evil does not feed among common people, it doesn't feed on individual souls one by one, but takes on many at once. More discrete, more elaborate, and more destructive for sure.

Create!

Silence!

2010-02-03T15:39:00.000-08:00

Being so full of your own stuff right now to figure out you find yourself in a communication dilemma. Either whatever comes out of your mouth is even more self absorbed than usual, either you are deemed the most apathetic person in the room.

Yet your silence doesn't come from lack of skill but from lack of sense. Losing your touch with reality translates itself the fastest into silence. Not being able to express your interest towards basically nothing. Even if the interest is there, numbness has set in long before conscience did. And it's not only the inability to feel actual feelings, now it's the inability to relate to anything whatsoever.

Basic psychoanalysis would deem you a psychopath without thinking twice. You know that the truth isn't that far off. Clinging to the illusion that any normal behavior will ever be natural to you, silence works better then anything else, for the simple reason that it stops you from breaking down in the middle of the freaking parties. Find yourself quick, or you'll no longer be able to speak.

Scream!

Fresh meat!

2010-01-26T05:09:00.000-08:00

This new age is for the monster probably the most confusing time in his semi-adult life. Everything comes from everywhere all the time. There is no now without pasts and futures. There is no futures without in-between. But there is one trick that will help get the job done.

Pretend you're 20 again. All you've done in the last 10 years was just a version. Start over again. Use the knowledge of the other life for directions, for Don't and Go! and Wait! Act like you're fresh meat, because in the end, that's what you are. The power of the monster give this new life. As if a new layer is starting to grow, your own self modifying along with it. A new person, a new life, new achievements, new everything, and, ideally, everybody. Only monsters pass from one life to the other.

Because only monsters will feel as tired as you feel most of the times. Another life is a burden, and forgetting it will not do any good. Because only monsters know that this were only appetizers. You think that was rough? You think that was pain? Here comes pain. No reason to not enjoy the hell out of it.

Party!

The dream servant!

2010-01-23T09:01:00.000-08:00

In the dark you feel as much at home as you feel naked and terrified. Darkness being your true home you feel in place, physically safe and unharmed, mostly because you're so reliant on your senses and in the dark they work better.

Everything changes when you fall asleep. There lies a different world. Most of the times the same, the undying demons watching and poking and screaming at you from deep down the pits. The pits where you belong and eventually will go back to. But there you don't feel at home, as hell is hell for everybody, even its most revered children. How big of a servant you become is totally up to you. You have the ability. Hurt as many people as possible. All the time spent hurting others is less time spent in torment.

Worthiness is repaid, but not by lack of pain, only by favors. And pain must always grow, it can never wait, it can never delay. One can only get rid of it by changing it's direction. Thus the hunger for pain after a "good" night sleep. Because there is no other dream. Al you see is hell. Burning flesh, torn souls, dying awake and then dying again, more awake. And if you do dream of something else, then clearly you've diluted your perception so much that hell itself can't reach your consciousness. The trick is not to be awake when you fall asleep.

Close your eyes!

For monsters!

2010-01-18T01:50:00.000-08:00

What monsters do wrong, and many fall for this popular belief, is to try to make themselves normal, unseen through mediocrity. Nothing more harmful for your evolution. Being hidden will only make your talents rust and, eventually, go away. All that will be left will be the mediocrity.

For many young monsters mediocrity is a dream. It is Utopia the chance to be normal again. Normal being the only thing you are not. Normal being what you should hate and loath about the world. And the deceit isn't even the normality of the world it's your own abnormality disguised itself as psychosis. Many of the psychotics out there have just never had someone to pull them out of the dribble and let them know that being normal basically means being invisible. And THAT, not you being a monster deep inside, is truly inhuman.

You dream even worse when you're awake then at night? Do people around you feel like they should treat you with gloves because they deem you unstable? Do you have many shallow relationships and so few sincere? Do you sometimes forget to turn the mask off and start lying to yourself? Welcome to having lines of thought!

Spin!

Art by Marco Dark Art

The days!

2010-01-16T03:16:00.000-08:00

Days are the hardest for the new mature monster. Because of the memories. The torment has passed from dream to reality. Your nights are calmer and more restful but days somehow seem longer. Ever-questioning, always with the lack of belonging now a lot more clearer, touchable even.

All that knowledge brings now are new points of view of what happened, making any attempt for something new futile. And then, seeing in new ways all that you have done, despair sets in. Creeping through whatever holes you've left open from your conscience. Whispering names and places and deeds, and shouting out the complete lack of result that you have brought to the world until now. No meaning, just pain. And hate. And new monsters.

You have yet to block it completely, but not by lack of remorse, that would be useless, but through acceptance. Closing your eyes will not work. Closing your door will not work. Closing your feel will not work. You need to touch every new thing coming your way in order to make the past be even more in the past. You need to acknowledge your destiny as a soul-taker and find new ways to do it. But careful, maturity may also bring no return.

Look!

art by VHM-Alex

The revelation!

2010-01-14T16:35:00.000-08:00

What comes now is growth. Acquiring your own taste about what the world is made of. Being able to accumulate so much so that, one day, you will have a natural like or dislike ability about all things.

Because you already have it about people. It's an instinct. Unfailing for years now. But that is no yet as natural and biological as the cultural radar. The concepts, the stories, the colors. For in order to be great you need to know what greatness is. How it works, what it brings and what it takes.

What culture reveals, what taste brings is not knowledge per say, but personality. And that is what a real monster must also be. Someone with a personality.

Train!

The Passing

2010-01-12T01:15:00.001-08:00

And thus the passing comes. The passing to a full-grown monster. If in the early ages it would have been a mistake to restrain from your needs, now your life comes to the point where patience needs to be trained.

The wait, the close analysis of the pray. The choice. The approach. None of them could be done right if not with patience and lucidity. Your state of mind might not be the best at any given moment but you will learn to train the ability to switch your anguish off whenever needed.

Because from now you will be collecting souls differently. You will conquer them. No more pain. No more tears. Not in your presence at least. You must be untouchable, for what will seem ages in comparison to your lifestyle so far. Your own greatness must be achieved, for it is your purpose. Everything that was must go. Everything that comes will be so different that sometimes you will feel even more confused than your were in your childhood.

Train. Endure. Grow.

Be great!

Neverending end!

2009-02-24T01:39:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons being a monster is not all that fun all the time as it could look from outside is the LOOP! Never ending series of encounters, most of them with a shorter and shorter lifespan. Either vaguely similar to stories that you did not give a piss about, either exact copies of past ghosts that haunt you still.

The down side being that you already know the whole story. from beginning to the end. The loop, being a loop, comes back and is just like the one before it. And when a truly new story comes along, the excitement is so big that you might just mistake it for something else. After all, there's still some human side to you somewhere in there.

The monster will feel something, will make her aware of that, but when he will hurt he will strike without mercy. Because mercy is the only thing he will not ever demonstrate either from his human or his dark side. When the story is no longer new he will hit.

Bite!

New age

2009-02-09T23:22:00.000-08:00

Going through every day consuming everything and everyone in your path has started to not give you the energy you need? Finally, you have succeeded to enter the adult life of the monster. The beginning of it anyway. Quite far from maturity, still not yet prepared to do things an experienced monster should. The humanity you've recently tasted and enjoyed has left you more confused than before, also a lot emptier.

Now being the monster you were before is not enough. the game becomes more sophisticated, while, at first sight, nothing much has changed. Your methods might have changed. Your emphasis might have changed. You on the other hand are the same human-like monster questioning his monstrosity every second, grasping with final breaths of normal air to a side of you that does not really exist anymore.

The human died. There is no more hope, the delusion of trying to be someone you are not. You've met your monster. You lost her. Now it's just you and whoever comes along next. The speed you're going to start collecting souls will only be matched by the work you will perform once back home, in hell.

Consume!

Waking

2009-01-27T03:34:00.001-08:00

After a long slumber, waking up will be chilly to say the least. Still you remember quite well how it was before that, and you find yourself looking at the life you once knew, not knowing whre to grab it. First instinct? Clinging on the first chance of going back to slumber. That's exaclty what's going to wake you up.

The dellusion that this one might be different from the last one, the one that kept you slumbering. All that sleep has left you with only basic needs, so you forget how to enjoy your true nature and go directly to hitting the jackpot. Jackpot that is not really there, just another delussion dressed up in something similar. But you've never enojyed the company of make-believe before, why would you go with it now.

You are back. The monster renewed, new style, new ways, new .... bullshit, new nothing. Same self-suficient crap as always, working as a charm.

Next!

Bullets!

2008-05-06T02:02:00.000-07:00

One more of the many bullets coming your way will not get you down. It will set you yet a little more back in your path to actual redemption. Forgeting your true nature you started seeking redemption for yourself. The inner monster is still quite alive but beaten back to a corner. Nothing can get him away though. It will stay there forever. Or, as you've come to think, until the long awaited redemption. Redemption which you've thought about even until you realized what you are. No purpose in searching for it now, unless it can be real.

Your wait in itself must not be a total halt from being a monster. Go about things the usual way, your purpose now is clearer, even if its a pervertion of the meaning of your existance. Only by being the same monster you've grown into lately you will become what SHE wants. Your own monster. The one who is perfectly balanced between monster and fairy, the only one so perfect she can change you. Forever. Or, at least, for once more. Not that there will be anything left of you if she goes away again. There isn't much left right now, let alone after a second coming.

Then again, you have done this two. You've been so many times perfection for somebody. Even if they saw the monster they sought balance. In the wrong place. There is no balance in you. At best, you may dream about clensing. The way her perfection will work for you is simple. You will no longer need anything else. You won't long for the taste of blood, of torn souls and tears. Everything that has driven you will go away in an instant. As it will come back, this time for good, if you let her get away the second time.

In the mean time keep biting bullets. And hearts.

Dream!

No peace!

2008-04-06T11:50:00.000-07:00

All the good that came your way has always been just like that, one way. Being the monster you are has it's quirks. Most important, you are free, without walls, without fences, with nothing else but your life and everything you make of it. There is nothing outside you and what you can create out of your own universe.

It does come with a price though. Ever tormented, you will never have peace. They ask you why can't you be relaxed. Relaxation, although simpler to attain then peace itself is actually quite rare. Because there will be no relaxation without peace. It can turn out the other way around, but no peace means no rest, no joy, no reason. And there are times, fewer or more, depending on latest happenings, when being a monster is not reason enough.

Unholy mission as it is, being a monster does not fill every inch of you. There's always a hole. A crack in the armor, creeping up on you, making itself larger as chipped glass turning slowly into broken glass and then into sand and oblivion. All that awaits you is oblivion. May it be in the deepest corners of hell where you belong or above where there is no real, definite place for you.

No peace and no place equals an unrest far more tormenting then the torture you give to others. This is exactly the reservoir of your search. Constantly trying to create torture heavier than your own, by making yourself feel a bit better, while making others feel a lot worse. Yet nothing can surpass your pain. Peace is the only thing you will never get, no matter how close you feel you've come to it. And without peace you will never really be.

Stop!

Hurricane!

2008-03-24T02:27:00.000-07:00

You are just like a hurricane. People can be divided in several categories depending on their reaction to you just the same as they can be divided depending on their reaction to hurricanes.

There are those who panic and flee out of your way screaming their guts out and not ever looking behind. They, eventually, will turn into another category, even happier, the ones who don't know and don't care of your existence. Not hard to believe as you, just like a hurricane, are a localized disaster. There two are the unhurt. The ones who get away or are away.

Then, there are the announcers. The hurricane is coming, they say, and they say that from a very safe spot, as they let all the rest panic. These are the cowards. If they meet you they will not talk to you, they will not make eye contact, but, instead, they will be the first to have an opinion if ever you're the topic. They should be put down when you get the chance. They should be turned into the terrified. The ones who try to forget you exist, that despise you and will cross the street years from now if they have their little children beside.

The victims. Or the unlucky. The ones who didn't have time to run or didn't know they should. They do not exist anymore. Or they do, but there is nothing left for them. No life, no hope, just despair. The fairies destroyed. The new monsters. Little storms growing, feeding to become bigger.

And there are the hunters. Not actual hunters, but chasers. Storm chasers. The ones who ask for it. The ones who are so hopelessly attracted to the monster they don't do anything else their whole life. To their even bigger despair they don't really ever catch the monster so they become more insane with every chase. With every struggle.

And there's you. The power of nature that you are. Not really caring about any of them, but looking for the storm big enough to allow you to become a whole. THE Storm. The grandmother of all storms, the one that will bring so much destruction no other storm will come after it. Storms start of with a butterfly batting its wings. There will be no more butterflies. Only you two.

Fly!

Better man!

2008-03-20T10:12:00.000-07:00

The thing about monsters, and you, is that, while being a monster to people that don't raise any feelings in that rock-of-a-heart you have, you will be completely moronic when somebody manages to make you feel alive. Which, by itself, is good news if you are not too far deep into your own monstrosity.

As you are sure that you are not yet completely perverted, some part of you clings to the human being pieces still left wandering around mindless in your soul. And when everything else goes away, or you trick yourself into believing that, it feels as good as it can, considering that in fact, you're hurting like hell. But, you enjoy it. You're happy that it hurts. IT MEANS YOU CAN STILL FEEL SOMETHING!

Actually it doesnt. It only means that you still have the ability to lie to yourself as well as you do to others. Why in hell's sacred name would you be so moronic, once again, and believe that things will finally be different. Bullshit. They wont. You will fall in love and out of it. Sooner or later. And as your life went lately it would be for your own good to fall out sooner than later. If not, you are pissing away too much hard work. And, in the end, you will not be able to get to either side. You'll be left in the middle, wandering what the hell went wrong and when did you turn 40.

Still. Allow yourself to grow through this pain. Not becoming a better man isn't a bad thing. Knowledge will go both ways. Your light side will grow, for a while, your dark one will be even darker in the long term.

Enjoy!

Walking!

2008-03-14T01:25:00.000-07:00

Constantly walking. Walking away, walking into, walking-for-the-sake-of-walking, walking out, walking in, walking on, walking-just-to-stop-staying-in-one-place. Quite easy if you think of it, bcause there is nothing behind you. ALmost nothing. Some memories stay alive, but no recollection whatsoever about feeling anythin will come. The emptynes that allows you to walk for miles and miles is, as yet, something to appreciate.

Staying in one place, is, after all, one of the worse things that can happen to you. Fear of stagnation drives you faster and faster as you age. As other beings come to agree that it's easier to stay in one place, or settle down as they like to say, you are even less capable of anything like that now than you were two years ago.

Running does not suit you, as it is too consuming, and pointless. You do not run. They do. You walk. Steadily. Serene. Like a Cadillac. Noble, arrogant, piercing everything with your fiend yes.

Walk!

Chimaera

2008-03-11T04:55:00.000-07:00

Chimaeras. Totally different species of monsters. One of the few who can actually turn you upside down. They appear, obviously when least expected, and you can probably bet on not evre seeing them again. That will not stop you from hunting the last one you came upon.

The hunt will not be easy, as, most of the times you will not have at least one lead as to were you should start looking. If you do, consider yourself lucky. The mere knowledge of a small detail about her will help you find her. Trust your intuition, your senses, becoz, if you do that, all your magical senses will start working. Senses that you usually dont need, manipulation skills are quite enough to get you through the day.

A lot more monstrous in the old times, chimaeras, as your own kind, have evolved into weaker, human-like creatures, preserving quite few of their magic and force. Once more powerfull than most evil creatures walking the earth, they become almost shy. The worse thing about chimaeras is that they see you as the monster you are. Being under a powerfull curse for a long time, anything that links them to their real heritage can be quite painfull. So, if, be any chance, you find your chimaera, be carefull, she will run like hell. But do not lose her. As far as monsters go, this may be the perfect fit.

Sense!

Pain!

2008-03-09T11:57:00.000-07:00

The problem with embracing who you are is that it's going to make you less creative. Being tormented is a lot better at making you creative. There is no other fuel better than pain. Your own pain. Your ridiculously efficient yet small conscience. It has a way to torment you even if you are not even feeling actual guilt.

Defeating it will destroy your creativeness, becoz, after all, you are so perfectly happy with yourself. YOU'RE SLACKING! PICK IT UP! Nothing more wrong than self-confidence. Its a disaster, you will never be the same again. You should probably create yourself a door to your human, pathetic side. Set than human side with a unachievable love story. Your human pathetic side is like a carcass for your evil side. If it's hurting like hell, than you will have the taste of pain running into your evil soul. Nothing else will do the trick.

Set new goals every once in while. The batteries need to be renewed. New pain is always better than old pain. As the old pain, being old, is dying. Healing. Yuck. The sanity of the mind and peace of the heart are the worst things that can happen to you. It may come eventually, but you are still young, you should not defect your mission. Do not forget that pain is your only goal and reason to exist. Without it, this existence will be over for you, never-being-able to come back. Evil is for life, but your life may end. Physically, or inside. Dying inside is actually a lot more probable than actual dying. A lot of young monsters die very soon, merely 2 or 3 years old as monsters. And let's not talk about all those married-their-high-school-sweetheart drop-outs. They didnt even come to monster school, they are simple.

You don want to become someone like that! You are better, sorry, worse than then. You are evil walking amongst them. Mortals, lesser beings lacking purpose. Lacking will. Lacking choice.

Choose right! Sorry, wrong!

Decadence

2008-02-25T11:20:00.001-08:00

Buttons never come up again. Push the self-destruct button and it will stay like that. There is not enough sense and will in humans or monsters alike to stop the sequence. There can only by your own monster, coming out from where least expected. If you're lucky, strong, oh, and lucky there will be strength inside. Being a monster does not mean you can become a ghoul for simple efficiency reasons. You need be on top your game to get game.

Don't push self-destruct. Nothing will ever be the same. You will not be the same. Several pushes ago you didn't feel the pain. It grows with every time. Until it will crush you beneath it rendering you helpless. You're only allowed to be addicted to lust and blood. Nothing else is allowed. Decadence is your purpose, not your way of living.

Tempting as it is, decadence is a trick. Because you are not the only monster on the planet. Because monsters, after getting bored of tormenting human beings, start feeding on weaker monsters. It is a continuous fight to be the last one standing. The old and very powerful won't hurt you unless you cross them, you're to insignificant for them yet. But average demons will always try to cheat and steal more souls at once by getting yours.

Beware!

No future!

2008-02-20T08:56:00.000-08:00

There is no other story than this. Arrogant, self-centered, terribilistic, uncommon, unreal, unwanted, undesirable, with no other connection to real life than your own utopia. The utopia that your shit is something else than actual shit. Being on the right track to being a self-adored wreck does make things easier. It does not make them go away.

Unless you stop. Stop thinking about anything else but yourslef. Arrogant or not as it may be, having only one thing in front you, yourself, will get you through the day. It will not, however tell you anything about the day after tomorrow. No story will actually be told, but some lines will come up once every 10 breaths.

You will not become nothing more than you are right now unless you switch to storytelling that matters, to you or someone else. Not that the story should have omeone else in the center. The mirage of the easygoing monster life will still be your main energy creator. It will be your creation. It will be your start and your stop. Two close between one to the other but everything you will ever need.

Writing your story will not be easy, or fast. Wrting your story, day by day will not be done unless you know what comes next. Wich, unfortunately, is the only knowledge forbidden to you right know. Tormenting past, confusing present, no future. That is your story right know.

Create!

Your choice

2008-02-17T13:23:00.000-08:00

There is something interesting about free will. It's widely recognized as the greatest thing on earth yet most people dont even meet the occasion to exercise their free will over their entire lives. The secret is that there is no such thing as a free will, but the only the will of the powerful.

Yes, your common Joe will be able to make decisions for himself, but choosing between vodka and gin isnt quite a life changer. There is quite few out there with real free will. You are one of them. The power you have gives you right over your free will, and the born taste of manipulation over others.

You'd say that there is no thing worse to a fairy than finding out her beloved monster-in-need-of-healing is doing another fairy behind her, and her back. She will get up and leave, but she will not actually get to the door. She will CHOOSE to stay.

Thank human kind once again for creating the technological and moral conditions for you to conduct your evil mission. If not for the hold the idea of free will has over most people's minds, your job will be a lot harder. They choose to stay. They choose to get hurt. They choose to love the last being on earth that would deserve that. And while everything they do is immensely stupid, they will be happy about it, because it was their own choice. But who's idea was it?

Command!

The prize

2008-02-16T23:38:00.000-08:00

Be good at what you do during the day. It will make your chances of growing armies of new monsters a lot better. The more advantages you have over other two-legged beings on this planet, the more groveling idiots and mesmerized danzels in distress will you attract.

The better you are at what you do, the means of turning the balance to your side become more sophisticated, and grow in number. Eventually, becoming rich and famous will get you the recognition you need from below.

Because there is a prize. Immortality on and under earth. The joy of riding the same roller coaster of decadence over and over again. Throughout ages, evolution to new ways invented by man to torture one another. An immortality of being better then everyone else. Of being the monster.

Live!

Truth

2008-02-13T23:06:00.000-08:00

Humans have invented, during the years, a bundle of idiotic holidays... Not this one. This one we created ourselves. It is actually quite funny that the idiots dubbed Valentine a saint. Fallen angel, like may others, he was one of the last emerging Incubi to be thrown out of heaven. And his decay was also the rise of a glorious demon. The first incubus who walked the earth to be made holy by the catholic church.

Ingenious as he was he invented the most effective torture known to man, marriage. Millions of people, throughout history, have had their dreams shattered because of some engagement they had to fulfill. Most stories written in human literature are about the despair brought on by unwanted marriage or love unfulfilled. No other institution has done more harm to human beings, other than church itself.

Valentine himself, the most famous incubus ever alive, was killed by the church in the end, but not for being a demon, but for, allegedly, doing too much good. No one had imagined that what he had unleashed was merciless to the extent it is now.

Now every naive celebration of our ancestor is yet another occasion for the armies of despair to do their deeds. No other day brings more souls to eternal damnation, or gets more monsters created. Would you be my Valentine they say, having no idea what plea for sin it is. Conjuring the name of the great one only gives power to every demon out there. And, thank pain, they say it a lot.

Rejoice!

Genesis

2008-02-13T04:03:00.000-08:00

You are the offspring of a demon and a human, a cambion. None of our biological parents have any knowledge of this, but if about the time of your conception, or related to your conception, one of your parents became extremely ill, it could be a clue to your real heritage. It does not mean you cannot be perfectly human, but it would be quite sad to let all that evil go to waste.

You will never know your real parents, as they will never have a corporeal form in this world. But because you have the gift of wearing a body, you should make them proud. There is only one thing worst than pathetic humans and that's pathetic demons. The ones who do not use their power as they are either too scared, either too brain-washed by society by the time they find out what they are.

They will suffer greatly as probably they will go the heaven but feel forever uneasy as, once there, surrounded by all that good, they will realize their true nature. Not that hell will make you feel any better, but it will give you a sense of being in place.

Nothing to worry about, torture in hell is only for humans, you already are a demon, your soul, whatever is still left of it, is already tormented. And for you, becoming a full demon is a goal, a victory.

Know yourself!

Insomnia

2008-02-11T07:45:00.000-08:00

Your dreams are just like you. Nightmares. Either you use some human invented product to lower your consciousness to a no-dream-zone, either you accept the fact sleep is never gona be one the nice things going on with you. Unlike most creatures you wil not be able to get your energy from sleep, way too tormented as it is. You will also never drea about past or present truths, altough it may seem sometimes that you dream of the future.

THe downside is, that while asleep and being a monster in your dreams also, you will not be able to cope with it, thus the torture of falling asleep. You are only starting to work way your way uo to the food chain. Your energy levels are low, because you do not have the needed indiference yet to take what you need, as often as you need it. Your weakness works in both ways. You are weak because you dont do what you are supposed to do. And because you dont do it, you are weak.

Sleeping in such a period may be the one thing that can really be painfull. It is the only time you actually feel the pain you cause. That sort of bijectivity will not last forever, but, if not ended soon, might trap you between your deeds and their effects. Not your actual deeds, you would be to weak to act on them, but on their plans.

Feed!

Creation

2008-02-10T02:19:00.000-08:00

Every monster has a weak spot. Just like Achilles, only a lot more obvious then a heel. A monster just as powerful will come along, and the taste of evil is stronger then the taste of innocence. The scent of the right monster for you is quite clear in your veins, and there is no worry about the fact that, eventually, the right monster will be found.

She will not see you at first, she will not notice you exist, because she does not see the monster, only the human flesh around you. She will not speak to you, as you may not be worthy of words, her words. Yet your breath will stop when you first see her. And all your being, all your evil will turn into something else, will turn into greatness. Monster or not, any being is better after they find their half.

Do not worry, your greatness does not mean you will stop being a monster, you will only evolve into something else, surpassing the physical need of acting like a monster. It's just like blood for a vampire. She will be all the blood you ever need.

You may even remember how to be human, A real human, not the perverted kind you are now. No fears, your evil will not go away, but your being will learn how to harness it. All the creative force that comes from all that evil will be on its own. There will be creation without the evil. There will only be creation.

Taste her!

Unidentified

2008-02-07T12:30:00.000-08:00

Tell her that her name is Next. That you don't care what her real name is. You will not remember it anyway in a few days, so why give her the pleasure simple women find in the way a man says their name. She will shriek in disgust because you are so low as to actually tell her that in the first few minutes. But she will not be able to pull away.

It is too late anyway. She already had the tingling sensation of trying to save your poor soul from damnation. Little Mother Teresa as they all are, there's nothing more appealing than the monster. They do say they want a normal life near the man they love but they lie. They're just too hopelessly attracted to pure evil, and not the romantic-movie-bad-boy-version. Real monstrosity has the advantage that it is real. It is palpable, not made up or a mere act, they can actually feel its aura.

Just like honey to bear, actually more like the bear to the bee. They will fight with you while trying to bring you on the right track, but, not knowingly of course, they will slowly try to understand you, and find certain findings appealing and appropriate for their own lives. Either hurting or not they will escape you changed, not ever again the loving, caring person that they were before you came in.

Tell her her name is Next only because it will also be name of the girl that comes after her. Being that the distance between the two is too small for you to employ any interest in their actual persons, there is no use for names, other than yours. And tell her this is not a dream, it's a nightmare.

Come!

First kill

2008-02-06T03:18:00.000-08:00

Find the first fairy. Once found, may she be perfect or slightly tainted by a past monster, react to her naivities by being yourself. Your real self. What they, the fairies, call The Jerk. Only one day and one night of using the mask are enough to have her lured. There will be no need for it anymore, as she will be perfectly capable to induce pain on her own. You just hav to be there and say something everyonce in while. She will not go away, or for that matter, give away, until the pain is unbearable.

Unfortunately you will for sure get bored before she cracks. Fairies do not understand pain, they take a lot of time to actualy hurt, even if they get some glimpses,or short bitter sensations in their mouth after hey’ve kissed you. In terms of mission eficiency it might come as a failure if you give up of boredom before the mission is over. It is not, it is actualy half done. Fairies left in the middle of the corruption process become addicted, not of the corruptor, but of the corruption. Happily, the armies of evil are larger by the minute, the fairy will be corrupted in the end, by some other monster, that she wil not ever be able to refuse.

How? Fairies have in their tiny good-doing heads the stupidest ideea. They think they can bring the monster on the right track. By trying to do so they corrupt themselves and give you a hand. Don’t think that yo can be lazy. That, you are not allowed. Even if the mission is doing well, without much effort, u will have to find the next mission soon. Why not prepare ahead?

Next!

Corruption of the innocent

2008-02-04T13:25:00.000-08:00

Where there's evil, good always sticks its tail. Every once in while you might feel tempted to leave the dark side for being just another human being. Nothing more stupid then that. Being normal will not make you feel beter, or feel for that matter. It will only keep you away from what you really are.

Temptations are out there. The fairies have a way of appealing to you, even if you might try to convince yourself that it's only about corrupting them. Human as you are, weaknesses are there. You shouldnt mistake the chance of corrupting a fairy with the chance of becoming normal. No two other things can be this opposite about the way it could go for you.

Fairies are the worst and, in the same time, the best challenge you are gonna get. While fighting not to slip, you will slowly turn them. Becoz they don't know that behind the mask lies a monster they will not protect themselves from becoming one. They are weak, spotless bright and shiny and ridiculously naive, which makes them a lot easier to push over the edge. A boring, experienced person is likely to become only a bit more boring. But an innocent turned to dispair will feed you during and after. Some very few might even join the ranks. The taste of innocence cannot be compared with anything else. Almost addictive, the sort of i-cant-get-enough-but-i-will-do-with-less addiction, turning innocence into dispair, pain or pure evil is, after all the reason you were put on this earth. It is your mission and there is nothing more perfectly unholy than this.

Hunt!

Fallen. Lesser. Freak.

2008-02-03T23:08:00.000-08:00

You are one of the fallen. Once an angel of, well, other angels. Fallen from being a seraphim to being just fallen. But then your greatness would not be yours but one from higher power who chose you to be a part of the greater evil. You are not only fallen, but lesser, from being, in the end, a human who was never ever been scared of the monsters in the closet. Becoz you knew they were real and that you are a lot more scarier then any of them.

In the old days you would have been an important part of evil. Your ancestors mixing with mere humans led to you, with so very few real magic left at your disposal. Once, your great fathers were the tools of creating armies of minions. Stealing and raping dreams. Havoc was easy. But the human race came out of the Dark Ages not defeating the evil but embracing it and turning it into something shallow and mundane. The elders would not be seen as more then disfunctional weird toys.

Freaks. Like you. And these is were your greatness comes. Be the heir of the dream catching race in your own human, petty, limited kind of way. Not that your limitation isn't a lot broader then of the most of the saps around. Be whatever you will turn into. Embrace your solace with grace, coz evil is a lot more goodlooking then good.

Do not despair. Your evil will come.

Birth of a monster

2008-02-03T08:24:00.000-08:00

Being alone makes you special or a freak. In both cases you might wanna consider being happy without relying on an extra pair of legs, eyes or brain hemispheres. Doing it on your own will, unfortunately, hurt like hell. But you deserve pain since either you are a freak, or you’re special. Second bad part, actually quite sucking, is that being a freak, or special, needs the comparison with some other people, done by some other people. None of which will be trustworthy. If you’re a freak there will be close to noone near you, and if you’re special you won’t actually give a crap about whatever they’re saying, because you’ll very probably be a self-centered ass. Which you will find totally cool, especially becoz every once in a while, or more, there will be a lot of people buying your self-centered crap, for the sole reason that they are too freaking normal, and you’re amongst the happy few who arent. Ok, amongst the few who aren’t. Leave the happy part to the normal I’m-just-a-drop-in-the-ocean boring and dreamless idiots out there.

So, without comparison your thinking you’re special will actually be based on its actual base. Yourself. Your alone self. Contantly checking your sleeve for more tricks. Coz some people might find you insanly funny, others will hate you but always give you the benefit of the doubt, and… no, the rest don’t matter. For being funny and popular is the easiest way to going through your life not ever trying to actually feel something. Not that you’re capable of feeling something. If you were, maybe it would have already happened. Oh, yes, I forgot, except being alone, and, therefore special, you are also a pathetic being who loves complaining about being alone, even though it should have become clear by now that IT IS YOUR OWN FAULT. Luckily you don’t explore that line of thinking too often, so your spirit and appreciative opinion about yourself stays intact, victorious over accidental shakes, of, lets’ say… shame. Which obviously you don’t’ have, for the simple fact that it’s totally useless, boring, and other bad stuff.

Alone, special and unbored. Unbored by yourself, everything else bores you to death, minus the occasional times you can prove that you’re special. What would you have done if there weren’t no work. You are brilliant, or you think you are, which makes you better at your job then most people. The reality doesn’t really matter, as long as you are in their brains, comanding the minions what to think and believe about you. Somewhat of a monster? Lets leave it at freak. Not that monster would be that bad. No feelings, no shame, no boredom equals a sick sort of happy, but it is, in the end, happy. In lack of pain, or rejoicing of it, and not giving a crap about anything, some of the time not even about yourself you’re bound to be a happy little monster, tormentor of the people stupid enough to come too close. You do not have anything to lose anymore, so life will go by a lot easier.

Alone, monstrous, yet happy, or at least content. Good recipe for not doing anything different for the rest of your life. In a way this might be a lot better then you think, coz it adds up to you actually finding out who the hell you are.

Welcome!