Over and over and over and over!

They say insanity is doing the same thing all over again but expecting different results. Which, looking back on stuff, is definitely you. Yet your insanity, as it may be seen by other eyes, in truth your real non-human personality is a bit more complex. You roughly do everything the same, but getting a different result isn't what drives you, just the opposite.

You go about things differently each time, as context changes, but, in the end, you're looking the get the same result: feeding your hunger. Hunger for something yet to be defined. It's not souls you eat, nor blood, nor their love, nor their pain. Ok, maybe the pain does it's tricks. Witnessing someone rip apart their own soul also does the trick. Obviously that will stop being as savory with time.

So whatever drives is not insanity, but addiction, basic addiction. As others feed on meat to stay strong you feed on souls, on pain, on shards of broken will. You look for the same result each time, and feeding isn't actually your goal. Stopping to eat is your goal. In lack of someone adequately fulfilling you end up on your knees battling for scraps of souls long gone, just giving them a final push over the edge. The edge of darkness, of human monsters not even able to be high on their own torment. 'Cause, in the end, that's your only insanity.

Again!

Keep burning!

There's only one person in the world with real power over you. The one from so long ago. Your first creation. The one who loves you and hates your guts all in the same time. The one who can't live without you but also can't live with you, because she knows, well, how that turns out.

When it comes to her it's always been a big blur. Always something between knowing nobody else will ever love you like her and wanting nothing else than to feel the same. It seems possible each time yet each time something goes wrong. Either it's not meant to be either it's really not meant to be.

Both ways you always end up lost, scared like shit of your own gruesome self and for, how gutless of you, salvation. And if the woman that loves you the most doesn't do it for you who the hell will? Hell? In that case, keep burning.

Life is elsewhere!

The toughest thing about being a monster like yourself is that wrecking feeling of out-of-place. May it come from your birth or your inability to really be human, no place, no crowd ever feels totally safe, well, unless you've ingested impressive amounts of "changing" substances.

Your life always feels like being somewhere else, not that your current location isn't enough of a hunting ground, or that it can't provide common day luxury and gratification. But there's always this itch, thic itch that tells you to leave, to change to hunt somewhere else, and that maybe, just maybe, that somewhere else will bring you the twisted happiness you search for.

As big as you are on change when it comes to humans, that small you are when it comes to actually bringing yourself to the point where you'll have the guts to pick up and leave. All those mechanisms you built, all those connections you made, that is what keeps you running, and without all that you will wither and die.

No! You won't. You already have enough experience to survive anywhere. And just think about all those new souls who will never know what hit them. Building everything from the start will also be fun, now that you do have a knowledge of a wide range of fuck-ups you should not repeat. And more importantly, now you know more about who you are, building a new identity shouldn't even be that hard.

Move!

Enjoy the pain!

While theory says that faith comes through clarity, patience and silence, real life throws a lot at you at every time. Most of it painful. Your demonic nature does not protect you from it because of your human nature. Mixing them in a careful balance is the key. Enjoying everything that comes is the key.

Enjoy the pain for it brings you knowledge of the pain you cause. Destroy yourself daily so you can feel what you do to others. Bring down your self-esteem, burn your ambition, forget about willpower. Every day you need to expose yourself to the same hurts you can bring on. Only then you will learn to be who you are.

A monster, a freak, a cambion, someone that, if revealed, would bring forth terrible punishment from society. Luckily, none dare to admit they suffered your touch, it ashamed them. And that is the difference between you and the minions all around. You know pain, you know unhappiness, you know despair, but not shame. For you know what others don't. No matter how fucked up it gets, that is you, and you need to embrace that or you'll go off in a senseless killing spree and end up a fucking article in the tabloids.

Pain is the key.

Enjoy!

No more noise!

Faith does not come easy. At least when it's about your own powers. If it were faith in a greater being of some sort, nothing short of a lobotomy would have helped considerably. But you can't do that to your self, or to your true self for that matter. Needless to say that having faith in your individuality will bring you peace, at least with yourself.

Peace and quiet. The only two things you really want. Accomplished in many possible ways, peace comes when you yourself stop being noisy. And of course, when you finally find the means to focus your attention well enough to make the chatter, and the screaming and the pleading and everything else fade away. It's done by patience, discipline, and foremost, by clarity.

No matter what you do to your body, keep your mind clear, focused, like a beam. Strong in intensity yet invisible to all but those who it's meant for. You'll find that concentration breaks every time you use it in the wrong direction. Being what you are, a cambion, an instrument of change and evolution, your powers should not be wasted anymore. Refine your quest, weigh your options, shatter everything that's pointless, destroy everything that's endangering. You are your own passing and your own end. You are your only means of being you.

Focus!

Unreliable truth!

This constant search for yourself has left you, obviously, wondering painfully all the time about who you are, and how your actions describe you. This burden it feels like you can't get out. Not that you'd know where out is, or what it could bring for you, nor do you know what it is you're running from or even if it is a good idea to run.

You feel tied down, too tired, lacking energy to actually do something, whatever that something is. Blocked. But by what? By whom? Is this solitude you've brought upon yourself the path to you becoming a better monster, or is it the shortest way to becoming just another insane person out there.

Accepting yourself doesn't seem to work, does it? Because you're not really believing it. It's still somewhere between fiction, truth and satisfying certain urges you've felt all your life, even before your true nature has been revealed. As long as you believe in you, torments will stop. But can you accept the evil? Can you embrace the despair? Can you really be the monster you were meant to be?

Believe!

Family!

You have no family. You've been all alone since the day you realized who you are, what you are. They have been around in your early life, but it's almost sure that they only made it more clear how different you are from most of the rest of the world. They had no real meaning to your real self, further then a sense of continuous competition between normality and abnormality.

In your case the genetics you own give you a better chance of being the proper parent for your children. Only another monster would be eligible for nurturing such an offspring, an offspring that would certainly share some of your inhuman traits. Not burden by beginning its life in solitude and confusion your children will be even greater than you are, capable of reaching levels of mastery incomprehensible to you.

Ultimately, that is your mission. To be the source of an even greater evil, a purer evil. As pure evil does not feed among common people, it doesn't feed on individual souls one by one, but takes on many at once. More discrete, more elaborate, and more destructive for sure.

Create!

Silence!

Being so full of your own stuff right now to figure out you find yourself in a communication dilemma. Either whatever comes out of your mouth is even more self absorbed than usual, either you are deemed the most apathetic person in the room.

Yet your silence doesn't come from lack of skill but from lack of sense. Losing your touch with reality translates itself the fastest into silence. Not being able to express your interest towards basically nothing. Even if the interest is there, numbness has set in long before conscience did. And it's not only the inability to feel actual feelings, now it's the inability to relate to anything whatsoever.

Basic psychoanalysis would deem you a psychopath without thinking twice. You know that the truth isn't that far off. Clinging to the illusion that any normal behavior will ever be natural to you, silence works better then anything else, for the simple reason that it stops you from breaking down in the middle of the freaking parties. Find yourself quick, or you'll no longer be able to speak.

Scream!

Fresh meat!

This new age is for the monster probably the most confusing time in his semi-adult life. Everything comes from everywhere all the time. There is no now without pasts and futures. There is no futures without in-between. But there is one trick that will help get the job done.

Pretend you're 20 again. All you've done in the last 10 years was just a version. Start over again. Use the knowledge of the other life for directions, for Don't and Go! and Wait! Act like you're fresh meat, because in the end, that's what you are. The power of the monster give this new life. As if a new layer is starting to grow, your own self modifying along with it. A new person, a new life, new achievements, new everything, and, ideally, everybody. Only monsters pass from one life to the other.

Because only monsters will feel as tired as you feel most of the times. Another life is a burden, and forgetting it will not do any good. Because only monsters know that this were only appetizers. You think that was rough? You think that was pain? Here comes pain. No reason to not enjoy the hell out of it.

Party!

The dream servant!

In the dark you feel as much at home as you feel naked and terrified. Darkness being your true home you feel in place, physically safe and unharmed, mostly because you're so reliant on your senses and in the dark they work better.

Everything changes when you fall asleep. There lies a different world. Most of the times the same, the undying demons watching and poking and screaming at you from deep down the pits. The pits where you belong and eventually will go back to. But there you don't feel at home, as hell is hell for everybody, even its most revered children. How big of a servant you become is totally up to you. You have the ability. Hurt as many people as possible. All the time spent hurting others is less time spent in torment.

Worthiness is repaid, but not by lack of pain, only by favors. And pain must always grow, it can never wait, it can never delay. One can only get rid of it by changing it's direction. Thus the hunger for pain after a "good" night sleep. Because there is no other dream. Al you see is hell. Burning flesh, torn souls, dying awake and then dying again, more awake. And if you do dream of something else, then clearly you've diluted your perception so much that hell itself can't reach your consciousness. The trick is not to be awake when you fall asleep.

Close your eyes!

For monsters!

What monsters do wrong, and many fall for this popular belief, is to try to make themselves normal, unseen through mediocrity. Nothing more harmful for your evolution. Being hidden will only make your talents rust and, eventually, go away. All that will be left will be the mediocrity.

For many young monsters mediocrity is a dream. It is Utopia the chance to be normal again. Normal being the only thing you are not. Normal being what you should hate and loath about the world. And the deceit isn't even the normality of the world it's your own abnormality disguised itself as psychosis. Many of the psychotics out there have just never had someone to pull them out of the dribble and let them know that being normal basically means being invisible. And THAT, not you being a monster deep inside, is truly inhuman.

You dream even worse when you're awake then at night? Do people around you feel like they should treat you with gloves because they deem you unstable? Do you have many shallow relationships and so few sincere? Do you sometimes forget to turn the mask off and start lying to yourself? Welcome to having lines of thought!

Spin!

Art by Marco Dark Art

The days!

Days are the hardest for the new mature monster. Because of the memories. The torment has passed from dream to reality. Your nights are calmer and more restful but days somehow seem longer. Ever-questioning, always with the lack of belonging now a lot more clearer, touchable even.

All that knowledge brings now are new points of view of what happened, making any attempt for something new futile. And then, seeing in new ways all that you have done, despair sets in. Creeping through whatever holes you've left open from your conscience. Whispering names and places and deeds, and shouting out the complete lack of result that you have brought to the world until now. No meaning, just pain. And hate. And new monsters.

You have yet to block it completely, but not by lack of remorse, that would be useless, but through acceptance. Closing your eyes will not work. Closing your door will not work. Closing your feel will not work. You need to touch every new thing coming your way in order to make the past be even more in the past. You need to acknowledge your destiny as a soul-taker and find new ways to do it. But careful, maturity may also bring no return.

Look!


art by VHM-Alex

The revelation!

What comes now is growth. Acquiring your own taste about what the world is made of. Being able to accumulate so much so that, one day, you will have a natural like or dislike ability about all things.

Because you already have it about people. It's an instinct. Unfailing for years now. But that is no yet as natural and biological as the cultural radar. The concepts, the stories, the colors. For in order to be great you need to know what greatness is. How it works, what it brings and what it takes.

What culture reveals, what taste brings is not knowledge per say, but personality. And that is what a real monster must also be. Someone with a personality.

Train!

The Passing

And thus the passing comes. The passing to a full-grown monster. If in the early ages it would have been a mistake to restrain from your needs, now your life comes to the point where patience needs to be trained.

The wait, the close analysis of the pray. The choice. The approach. None of them could be done right if not with patience and lucidity. Your state of mind might not be the best at any given moment but you will learn to train the ability to switch your anguish off whenever needed.

Because from now you will be collecting souls differently. You will conquer them. No more pain. No more tears. Not in your presence at least. You must be untouchable, for what will seem ages in comparison to your lifestyle so far. Your own greatness must be achieved, for it is your purpose. Everything that was must go. Everything that comes will be so different that sometimes you will feel even more confused than your were in your childhood.

Train. Endure. Grow.

Be great!