One more of the many bullets coming your way will not get you down. It will set you yet a little more back in your path to actual redemption. Forgeting your true nature you started seeking redemption for yourself. The inner monster is still quite alive but beaten back to a corner. Nothing can get him away though. It will stay there forever. Or, as you've come to think, until the long awaited redemption. Redemption which you've thought about even until you realized what you are. No purpose in searching for it now, unless it can be real.
Your wait in itself must not be a total halt from being a monster. Go about things the usual way, your purpose now is clearer, even if its a pervertion of the meaning of your existance. Only by being the same monster you've grown into lately you will become what SHE wants. Your own monster. The one who is perfectly balanced between monster and fairy, the only one so perfect she can change you. Forever. Or, at least, for once more. Not that there will be anything left of you if she goes away again. There isn't much left right now, let alone after a second coming.
Then again, you have done this two. You've been so many times perfection for somebody. Even if they saw the monster they sought balance. In the wrong place. There is no balance in you. At best, you may dream about clensing. The way her perfection will work for you is simple. You will no longer need anything else. You won't long for the taste of blood, of torn souls and tears. Everything that has driven you will go away in an instant. As it will come back, this time for good, if you let her get away the second time.
In the mean time keep biting bullets. And hearts.
Dream!
