The thing about monsters, and you, is that, while being a monster to people that don't raise any feelings in that rock-of-a-heart you have, you will be completely moronic when somebody manages to make you feel alive. Which, by itself, is good news if you are not too far deep into your own monstrosity.
As you are sure that you are not yet completely perverted, some part of you clings to the human being pieces still left wandering around mindless in your soul. And when everything else goes away, or you trick yourself into believing that, it feels as good as it can, considering that in fact, you're hurting like hell. But, you enjoy it. You're happy that it hurts. IT MEANS YOU CAN STILL FEEL SOMETHING!
Actually it doesnt. It only means that you still have the ability to lie to yourself as well as you do to others. Why in hell's sacred name would you be so moronic, once again, and believe that things will finally be different. Bullshit. They wont. You will fall in love and out of it. Sooner or later. And as your life went lately it would be for your own good to fall out sooner than later. If not, you are pissing away too much hard work. And, in the end, you will not be able to get to either side. You'll be left in the middle, wandering what the hell went wrong and when did you turn 40.
Still. Allow yourself to grow through this pain. Not becoming a better man isn't a bad thing. Knowledge will go both ways. Your light side will grow, for a while, your dark one will be even darker in the long term.
Enjoy!
2 comments:
if this is written for artistic purposes then it is bullshit, if it's a way of releasing your tormenting thoughts then you are really fucked up.
Sometimes I feel stuck in the average. It is a feeling I loathe and I would tear it away from my heart with my bare hands... And as I would be doing so, I would so deeply enjoy the blood! Mediocrity scares me to the bones and to the synapses. That is why I choose pain... I choose the deepest hollow. Because I know that any endeavor form that point on can only be up. It scares the hell out of me. It is frustrating. Here too can go both ways: endure or face that whale belly, even if I don't know when I will come through.
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